Reading around I've been struck by two blog entries, both of which have made me want to express some thoughts myself.
First there's Poppy's post: Girl on Girl Action where she writes about her lack of interest in F/F play. In the comments section she and Erica (who feels the same way) write about feeling a sexual tension with their spanker which makes the M/F dynamic the one that resonates for them. This makes perfect sense and we all like what we like, but it prompted me to think about my own play and interests.
There's no doubt that I like M/F, M/M and F/F in about that order (I'm less into reading F/M but have and do) but also about equally. What matters most to me is that there be little to no sexual tension / erotic energy. The less of it there is the more erotic I find it. The same is true with my play -- I don't generally feel erotic tension with almost anyone I play with. For me, spanking play is generally an expression of friendship and caring in that sense. Playing with someone, with a few exceptions, doesn't increase or excite my sexual attraction for that person.
This past Shadow Lane I played a F/F scene with a friend. It was lighthearted but intense play with lots of energy, but little to none of it sexual. That's generally the case when I play with women, but it's also equally the case when I play with men. Spanking, for me, feels like its own sexuality (or something-ality) somehow outside my normal sense of the erotic.
In a different, but, for me, related post, Kaelah wrote about anxieties about playing with and in front of others. Playing in front of others is something that sometimes feels right for me, but more frequently I prefer to do scenes in private. Other times I want to play with someone else and want Paul there to see / watch, especially when I know the top in question likes performing. And I've enjoyed having a public audience for my hand tawsing scenes. Mostly though, play is something I like doing in private.
Kaelah's post reminded me of something else though. The achingly insecure jealousy I used to feel when Paul played with other people. Don't get me wrong, I was playing with others myself and wanted him to do the same. But I couldn't get over my good fortune in having found someone who loves me and wants to spank me. I knew I was his first partner and was sure, for too long a time, that he'd soon find someone he liked playing with better than me and wouldn't love me anymore. It drove me nuts because I knew these feelings stemmed from my own insecurities, not from anything real. Even when Paul did develop intense feelings for another, it never made him feel less for me.
I'd like to say that I've outgrown these feelings of insecurity. Mostly I have. But what I'm struck by is how worth it playing with others is. Spanking, for me, as an expression of friendship has allowed me to feel intense affection for people I see rarely yet feel I know intimately. And of course I want the same for Paul. (In fact, I feel a lot of affection for anyone he plays with too. It's like I've played with them by proxy.)
