Even though I live in a big city, I used to have a lot of worries about talking to my doctors about my kink activities. How self-conscious was I? Enough that I even made sure to schedule pelvic exams around brazil waxes in case the lack of hair caused questions.
What changed all that was a bad scene that required me to seek medical treatment. I had to explain everything. As I was doing so, I realized that all any of these doctors and nurses wanted was to help take care of my body and get well. There was no judgement (at least none that I could see which is all that really matters), no embarrassment (from them, I was certainly embarrassed enough for three people), just care.
As time has gone on I've learned to take a deep breath and ask / talk about my kinks with frankness as though I don't expect judgement or surprise. Thus far, there's been none.
It's helped to read about other people doing the same thing. Natty, a fellow Punishment Book poster with her own blog, has an especially good account of a conversation on her blog here.
As well as an entry with a great deal of information on what she's learned about spanking and anticoagulants.
Yet another PB writer with her own blog, Dykk Grrl, and her wife W have had conversation about What It Is We Do with their therapists and have written about it here.
So all that said, what happened yesterday?
Yesterday I had my first appointment with a new psychiatrist. New to me anyway -- the doctor himself is probably in his 70s. For the first 15 or 20 minutes, the questions were mostly medical (trying to see what medications I can and can't take). Then they became personal.
But not too personal. Until suddenly, he asked:
"Do you experience hyper-sexuality or "inappropriate" sexual urges?"
Dead stop from me. Sexual urges? Since I don't do vanilla sex, I don't generally think of myself as even having sexual urges.
The doctor misunderstood my shock.
"That sounded like a value or moral judgement, didn't it? I don't mean it that way. Just answer as best you can."
So I had a choice. I could either go into detail about my fetish or just answer the questions basically replacing in my head the spanking fetish for sex. It was tempting, but the problem with being cagey is that eventually truth always comes out and it only gets harder.
I took a deep breath, answered the question and then replied further that I have an alternative sort of sexuality.
He looked up from the notes he'd been writing. I swallowed hard.
"My husband and I met on a sexually oriented internet group."
Pause. In retrospect it was easier telling him than it had been telling our immigration attorney. In both cases though, I sure was glad about the whole confidentiality thing.
"What sort of alternative sexuality?"
The word "spanking" suddenly regained the magical power it had had 11 plus years ago when I first de-lurked. Far too late, I tried to be vague.
"Um, BDSM, S/M sorts of things. Impact play based."
The doctor nodded.
"And what are you?"
"Oh, um, I guess one would call it me a "spanking fetishist."
One? Did I really refer to myself as "one" out loud for goodness sake?
"Yes, I understood," he replied. "I meant, do you spank or get spanked?"
Oh.
"I'm, I'm a bottom, that is, I get spanked. I've had fantasies about it since early childhood."
"And your husband's interests?"
Oh. My. God.
"Okay. Well, he has fantasies about it being done to him but didn't like the reality,. He spanks me."
It's odd, but I find it harder to talk about Paul's interests than my own. Like I'm being disloyal or talking about him behind his back. Crazy, I know. But then that's why I'm here in the first place.
"Does he enjoy spanking you?"
"He says he does," I reply, trying for humor.
"What do you think?"
"I think he enjoys it too."
And that was it. The subject changed, we went on with an equally embarrassing but not kinky line of questions. The interview ended and I walked to the shuttle stop to head back to Union Station.
I'm glad I told the truth. This doctor too just wants to keep me healthy and happy. That being the case, he's not going to be down on me being spanked, right?
And finally, if you have the luxury of being able to choose a doctor and it matters for them to be kink aware, this is where the list is: Kink Aware Professionals.
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