What do I feel?

This should be an entry to remind myself that at 40 I should know better than to try and set between friends who are either disagreeing or don't like each other.  Especially when I don't know what's going on.  The only thing both people could end up agreeing on is that I should mind my own business.

Why I apparently don't know better and keep making the mistakes the got me in trouble in junior high, why I need everyone around me to get along and to love me are questions that will probably take the next 40 years to resolve. 

I can't muse on my crazy insecurities today. 

Today I'm at work, working in bursts because the mindlessness of my job makes it an easy place to hide..

Today I've turned off my phones and am ignoring my email.

Today I'm trying to find the courage to walk into my boss's office and tell her about the call I just got from my mom.  But I can't do it.  That call which I should have been expecting has somehow ripped a hole in me.   

My grandmother is dying.  She's been going by inches for the past year, but her inches are running out.  At 101 her life is terrible -- even the smallest acts of independence are being stripped away while her mind has stayed horribly alert and aware of every loss.  Over the past year, as it's become clear my nana can never get well, can only decline, I've hoped and prayed for her to pass peacefully.  Dying peacefully is the right thing for me to want here and the kindest and most merciful outcome.  I know this.

But I don't want it and so maybe I haven't really prayed for either.  I'm selfish and I don't want to let her go.  At the worst moments of my life, childhood and adulthood, she's been there for me, making me feel loved as unconditionally as it would be possible for anyone to be.  Her very existence and love for me saved my life, not just once but repeatedly, including one time when I was 10 years old and she confronted my parents about their abuse of me and threatened to take me away from them. 

When I was a child and she was taking care of me, I worried often that she would die.  Back then, 70 seemed very old and she used to play a bit with guilt, telling me when I rolled my eyes at being told to push my bangs out of my face when I read or not to bite my nails that I wouldn't have her to bother me much longer.  One summer when I was 11, the thought of losing her made me burst into tears and in comforting me she swore she would be here with me as long as I needed her. 

That's right.  She loved me me so much and was so distressed at having hurt me by her teasing she swore not to leave until I was sure I could let her go. 

My nana is in Portland -- more than a 1000 miles away from me.  Her weight down to 65 pounds.  She has cancer that's spread throughout her body and for which there is no treatment.  Her younger sister and older brother are both dead now.  Last summer my grandfather, her husband of 70 years, died and left her alone to mourn him.  My mom told me today Nana can't hold down food or water.

She has always been safety and home to me and soon  I have to travel north to say goodbye.  Somehow very soon I have to let her know it's okay for her to go, that I'll be fine.

But I don't believe it.  And selfishly, in my heart, I don't want her to leave me.

Comments

[sparkle]

We love you, Mija. And we'll be holding you as best as we know how - for now, from afar, true, but know we have you in our hearts.

sparkle

[Lele]

You don't know me, but I lurk/read your blog. I just wanted to say that I feel for you, and I'm sorry about your Nana. I loved my granpa more than I can say, and I still do. There's only so much I can express in a comment, and I can't seem to find the right words.
Take care,
Lele

[Bailey]

*hugs* I'm so sorry honey. Let me know if there is anything that I can do. You have so many people who love you, let us hold you!

[Iris]

Oh, dear heart,

I'm so sorry. May your Nana's love be a shield around your heart and a raft to carry you through these rocky waters. And may you bask in the energy of those who love and support you, both near and far.

With gentle blessings,
Iris

[Mija]

Thanks all of you for your kind thoughts and prayers. Hospice (which really is amazing and has cared for her and helped my family care for her so well) thinks she will die sometime in the next 24 hours.

I'm flying up to PDX tomorrow and am telling myself that I'll be able to say goodbye.

[LynLass]

You and your Nana are in my prayers. Have a safe trip. I believe that when you see her you'll be able to tell her that she can let go. Your love for her will set her free from her current suffereing. Hospice is a blessing, I'm glad she has had that.

[Rose]

Mija, I am so sorry. You and your Nana will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Bailey]

"Blessed is the path thou goest on this day, for a place of rest is prepared for thee."

[Fireman Chris]

Mija, as Sparkle already said, our thoughts and prayers are with you. I lost both my maternal grandparents, the ones I was closest to, some time ago, and I still miss them, but I also am glad of the time we had together and the love we shared. That never goes away.

God bless, and safe travels.

[L.]

What a hard situation, Mija. You are in my thoughts.

[Kate James]

Mijita, love, you're in my thoughts always, and even more so now. Your nana obviously loves you so much and I can feel, in NY, the love you feel for her as well. I can't tell you what to do, or how to do it, or what will make you feel better. But I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for you, but I can't. All I can do is be here whenever you need me...and whenever it helps just to know there's someone who cares. I can't empathize, and I'm not sure I can sympathize, because I don't know what it's like to lose a grandparent.

It sounds like your nana was more like a parent to you for most of your life. And I know what that's like. Soon, your nana won't be in pain anymore, and you'll be so happy to know it. She's lived 101 years, thats two and a half times your life, and five times mine. She deserves to rest in peace, and she will even if you can't give her a proper goodbye - because she knows what we know - that you're an amazing person and have loved her since the day you were born.

Use an entire box of tissues, eat a package of oreos and cry until you can't cry anymore - because it's socially acceptable for girls to cry - and you might feel a little better.

Much love to you and Pab, let me know if you need anything.

Kate

[Red]

Mija, she won't leave you. She'll always be there with you, surrounding you. When she's finally at peace, go outside. Close your eyes. Feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. That's where she'll be.

You're both in my prayers tonight.

[goldi]

i'm so sorry Mija. i'd do anything to ease this for you.

Call if you need me. Jake has my numbers.

[Deb]

Mija,
My heart goes out to you I know exactly how you are feeling held on to my nana and papa for a long long time. In my heart they are not gone. and they both passed 32 years ago. Keep her in your heart she is a part of you ansd always will be.

[Todd & Suzy]

Sorry to read about the decline of your grandmother. Suzy's grandmother is in her mid 90s and doing pretty well... but we worry. Have heard kind-hearted people say... "she's had a long life." True enough, from a logical point of view. But emotionally, there is simply no way... that we've found, at least... to prepare for the passing of someone we love so much.

Know what you mean about getting involved in a conflict between friends. The good news in that is... they'll both unite in their desire to have you butt out!

Feel better,
T & S

[Brian Fargher]

When my mother died in 2004, I was in my mid fifties, so older than you but advancing years doesn't make the pain any easier to bear and I was as selfishly clinging on to her as you think you are with your grandmother.

Then, the day before she died, she clung on to my hand in hospital and said, "I have never felt so bad. I wish God would take me away from all this." and then I realised that you can't fight against mortality, that I couldn't continue to selfishly hope she would stay around, and that it was time to let her go.

She sincerely believed in a caring God who would take care of her in another life and that she had had enough of this one. When that time comes you just have to put your own hopes that the ones you care for will live for ever and will them on their way with all the love you have.

Brian

[Angie]

*sigh* Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner. I was AWOL through much of September because of what that months means to me. I agree with the person above who said you will feel her in the wind, see her in the trees, etc. I will never forget standing at Lynnie's gravesite and feeling the wind that just blew like crazy on that hot, hot Texas day. I just *felt* that it was her - giving us all comfort, reminding us all that she was there. And I still feel her all the time, in little ways, everyday. It took a long time for the grief to pass (oh hell, we all know that hasn't happened yet - but it's gotten a lot better!) but there are times now when I just feel her and I can say, "that's Lynn." I hope it will be that way with you and your Nana. After 40 years together, I imagine it will be. And what a wonderful gift she gave you all of these years - her protection, her love, her guidance. Mijita, how blessed you have been!

My best friend's son's first word was "abuela" (although he said it more like "a-wayla") and I remember thinking at the time what a testimony this was to the relationship that can exist between those two generations - that he didn't choose the easier mami, or papi, or even mom or dad since he was raised bilingual. No, he wrapped his hand around her finger and said "awayla." May you always feel your hand clasped around your Abuela's finger when you need her the most.

And as far as the first part of your entry - Forgiven, forgotten, we are SO beyond that. So forgive yourself, too.

All my love,
Angie

[Just Rev.]

Mija,
As a fan I want to express my sympathy and compassion for your grief as you prepare to lose your Nana.

As a professional clergyperson who deals with grief and end-of-life issues "all the damn time" I want to tell you that it is OK. It is OK to have mixed feelings. It is OK to understand that you want her to stop suffering and go peacefully and at the VERY SAME TIME to want her to stay. It is OK to feel selfish and bratty about the whole thing. It is also OK to ask God to take care of Nana the way she took care of you.

I pray that God will be with you and keep you strong in the promise of the resurrection and give you comfort and peace in good time.

Blessings,
Just Rev.