el tercer ojo

Bonnie Asked

This week on Spanko Brunch Bonnie asked:

Last week, I posted a poll that dealt with impediments to your enjoyment of spanking. I was quite surprised that twenty percent of the voters said that their partners were unaware of their interest. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to hide this part of yourself from your lover.

The last thing I would ever want to do is bring harm to someone's relationship. On the other hand, we know of quite a few couples who have enriched their loving partnership through the introduction of adult spanking activities. For today's brunch questions, I would like to solicit your insight into this tricky topic.

Have you tried to introduce the subject of spanking to your partner? Did your partner first raise the topic to you? If so, what approach did you or your partner use and how well did it work? If you had the same opportunity again, would you proceed in a similar fashion?

My response was:

I wish I could contribute something optimistic here -- though I guess if one spins for the big picture it is.

My experience with introducing someone to my interest was with my first husband (who at the time was my boyfriend / partner). I asked him what his fantasies were and then told him mine, revealing that mine tended to be all about spanking.

His response was that he thought this 1) did not fit any image he had of me and 2) was probably the result of childhood trauma and a sign I needed therapy. My reply was that it wasn't really very important to me, just something I was thinking about.

This was really the first experience I had of feeling ashamed of my fantasies. My ex was older than me by 15 years (at the time of this conversation I was 19). It took almost 10 years to recover my sense of self-confidence about my desires.

If I had it to do over again I would have believed in myself enough to talk more about my desires. And if the rejection of them by my ex continued, I would have backed away from the relationship there and saved myself the pain of an unhappy marriage and divorce.

The happy ending? The month I started realizing that my fantasies weren't something to be ashamed of (Feb 1997) I went onto what was then alt.sex.spanking. There I met Pablo.

Life is better now.  :) 

My advice? Don't let anyone, especially someone who loves you tell you your desires are wrong just because they don't share them.

Loving someone should mean finding a way to accept and understand.

I'm Not Mom

Adele Haze recently wrote an entry about a PlayStation2 game called "Rule of Rose." It's apparently stirring up controversy in Europe for having adult content (dark and sadomasochistic images as well as lesbian overtones).  There have been moves in Europe to ban it there because it's not the sort of subject matter children should be exposed to, Sony US decided not to release it here for fear of controversy -- it's being distributed here by another, smaller game company.

I don't want to get into reviewing the game or its content except to say that, despite reviews saying the actual play is a bit slow / clunky, it sounds like something I'd enjoy.  But whether I would or not is beside the point.   What the point, for me, is that by expecting that every game released be suitable for children, other adults like myself are being forced by parents into living in their child-safe bubble.   This, in my opinion, isn't right.  There are books, films, places and, yes, games that are intended for adults.  They are not appropriate for children nor should they have to be.  It's the responsibility of parents to keep their own children away from them. Not to rid the world of the item, but to decide what is and isn't appropriate within their own households and those they allow their children to frequent.

In other words, leave me out of it.  I don't have children and I don't plan to.  I don't tend to frequent places with children -- my interests and tastes are largely adult.   The students I work with are already adults .  If my husband and I wanted to live in a child-safe world we would.  Parents need to just say no to games you don't think are appropriate for their families and not expect this to be done by passing laws the effect adults.  PS2 games are about $30 - $50.  Where would kids get that kind of cash if not from their parents? 

This is an old issue for me, but one that keeps coming up.  A couple of years ago I wrote a review of Grand Theft Auto: San Andres.  In it I commented on the this very topic writing

In getting links and pictures together for this blog entry, I came across a lot of [writing by] mothers and educators worrying about the effect playing this game (the cite it specifically) would have on their 11 year olds. Excuse me? Why would you let your 11 year old play with this? The game costs $50 -- they can't buy it with their lunch money. This is an old rant for me, but it bothers me when parents think the world needs to be made kid-proof. My mom and dad decided I wouldn't see any R rated movies, even on cable, until I was 13. Even then, until I was 16 I had to check with them and they usually prescreened them or watched them with me. GTA isn't written to target 11 year-olds. The game is written for those of us who were teens in the 1980s and early 1990s -- people who are now in their twenties and thirties. I'm basing this the music and sense of humor. Please, parents, I beg you to keep track of what games your kids are playing. Me? I'd like to see adult movies, books and games safe from the daycare crowd.

It's true that when my parents bought our family's first Atari system the games were all intended for children.  But times and technology have changed.  Further, there's a whole generation now in their 30s and even 40s who've been playing computer and video games since their teens.  It only makes sense that game makers now write games for an adult market in addition to the child one. 

Personally I'm going to try and get a copy of "Rule of  Rose" to play while I'm recovering after my surgery next month.  I promise that after I finish with the game, when I pass it along afterwards it will be to another adult.  Now if only I could get parents to promise not to try and take toys away from other grown-ups.

Over the Knee

It's been almost ten years since I delurked on alt.sex.spanking.  This past month, sparkle's husband Chris wrote a bit about delurking and the effect it's had on his life, mostly in terms of people he's met on-line and off.  This blog, of course, is an example of wonderful connections we've made.  Generally I forget that I've been around for a while (and likewise I forget that I'm getting old) and therefore I've been fortunate enough to have met a lot of very kewl people in this scene.

But I had another "wow, I know some people who are famous" moment recently.  Maybe my most profound one.  So pardon me while I brag on a friend.

You see, a dear friend, Fiona Locke, has a novel that's just been published this week.  It's called Over the Knee and it has clearly been written by someone very into our scene for people like me (and you too if you read and like this site).  Yes, I know someone who's written and published a real, on-paper spanking book.

But that wasn't all.  I mean, I've met and chatted with a few other spanking authors (Eve Howard and Devlin O'Neill) at Shadow Lane parties and some other BDSM / kink writers like Miranda Austin and Janet Hardy from the newsgroup.  In the case of Fiona's book though, I know the person who took the picture on the book's cover.  I know both the spanker and the spankee in the picture (okay, so it's Fiona and her partner, but how often do you know of an author posing for the cover image?).  And I know (and live with) the person who built her website.  Although I contributed nothing to the success of this venture, I still feel so excited about it.

Besides, as great as reading stories online is, isn't there something especially wonderful about having a book about spanking in your hands?

Though she's years younger then me, getting to know Fiona on-line was an amazing experience for me and she was more of a role model then I've ever given her credit for. At the time we first started emailing each other, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, trying to get enough courage to step off the edge.   She  listened to me and then told me where she'd been, where she was now and where she wanted to go.  I looked up and realized my friend was already flying.  And that if I wanted a chance at finding happiness, the sort of life in the scene I wanted, I was going to have to let go of what already felt safe but wasn't making me happy. 

There's a lot more to this story of course, but in short I did let go of what was known and safe.  What I found may have seemed risky at first (meeting and falling in love with someone 6000 miles away who I only knew from the Internet) but was the right thing in so many ways.  I have Fiona to thank for inspiring me with her example and courage.  Even more-so when it looked like Paul and my relationship had crashed and I was afraid to face the pain of being alone, especially since for me it meant leaving the scene as I knew it.  Fiona talked to me on the phone and advised me not to hide from the pain but to embrace it.  Again there's a lot more to the story, but doing as she advised made me aware of my own strength, with or without Paul.  I realized that with or without him spanking was both a desire and a need.  And that I was strong enough to survive the loss of him.*

Fiona has always lived bravely.  Her book, which deftly combines fact and fiction, is just the latest and best example of that. 

You can order copies here already from Amazon UK and here for next month from Amazon USA.

(*Okay, so things between Paul and me did go well in the end and we got back together and still are together.  But it was still good advice and really did save me.)